You call THAT funny!!??

Ok, jokes time. Here are a few I've found knocking about the net (mainly on 00fun.com so thanks to them) and I thought, ah ha, I'll add some humour to my site, that's if you don't find it comical already of course! As usual, send me your own jokes to go up on here by e-mailing webmaster@aptmusic.net and if I think they're suitable, well, I'll put them up.

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts-the brainium, the borax and the bominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

For headcold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

New Medical Computer at Boots

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, think I'll go and see my Doctor!"

His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his urine, went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample and the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:-

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to try.

He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the concoction. He went back to oots, deposited the sample and paid his money. After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:

YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE F*CK*D, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER, AND IF YOU DON'T STOP W*NKING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

Four Friends

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Dam, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.

The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS IN 9 TAKES!

Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

TakeTwo
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on theretired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark -- $1 Knowing where to put it -- $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Take Five
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together, discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -- Scott Adams, "The Dilbert Principle"

Take Eight
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" The engineer explained, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want.. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less
letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

ZEN THOUGHTS

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only Culture some people have.
15. MONDAY is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
36. If the early bird catches the worm, what's the worm's incentive to get up early?

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey
about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas
said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of
year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for
the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting
had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why,
she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a
stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.
It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the
public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort
of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a
coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the
wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't
have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted
the audience with her reminiscence of the German
prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in
February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train
drivers have made totheir passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to
your service. I know you're all dying to get home,
unless, of course, you happen to be married to my
ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing
his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?The
good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I
hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is
that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't
reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but
there is a security alert at Victoria station and we
are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future,
so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles,
hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you
can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been
nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you
earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT
encourage these professional beggars, if you have any
spare change, please give it to a registered charity,
failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line,
the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step
right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see
if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close.Try not to confuse
this with 'Please hold the doors open'.The two are
distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the
doors means that the doors are about to close.It does
not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their
f****ng hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to
get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear
of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..)
Please move ALL belongings away from the doors
(Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in
the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your
bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come
down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no
smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
However, if you are smoking a joint,it's only fair
that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

James, the class swot, gets up and says, "last year I got the measlesand my mum said it was contagious". "Well done James" says the teacher, "can anyone else try"?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says "my grandma says there's a bug going around, and its contagious" "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious"

How to Clean a Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself

(supplied by Pete Taylor)

See if for yourself at the Guardian Website

... ... ~ NEWSFLASH ~ ... ...

Army Major Charles Ingram, convicted of cheating the ITV quiz show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, has shot himself. ITV have kindly offered to pay for the funeral but refuse point blank to pay for the coffin!

Theres a man stuck in the desert, he's been wandering for what seems like weeks, when suddenly on the horizon a town appears. He stumbles towards it expecting it to disappear at his touch but under his fingers was solid stone. Inside the town there was all these stalls around like some kind of fete, he ran to the first stall and said 'water water give me water', the stall holder looked at him and said, ' sorry mate, only sell jelly here.' Alittle confused the man walks to the next stall, 'water water give me water please...', but the reply came, 'sorry guv, only custard here.' The man went round the whole town and there were stalls selling hundreds and thousands and cake and sherry but no water. He walked up to a policeman and said, 'whats going on here, i need water and all people have to offer me is jelly?' the policeman turned to him and said ... 'I know, its a triffle bizzarre.'

For those of you who have done a lot of travelling, Qantas have always had a more "relaxed" approach. All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their announcements a bit more entertaining! Here are a some examples that have been heard or reported. For those of you who know any Australians, a lot of it rings true:

*On a Qantas flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are to leave anything behind, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us your business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

*After a particularly rough landing during a thunderstorm in Adelaide, a flight attendant announced, " Please take care when opening the overhead compartment because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."

*"Welcome aboard. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

*In the event of a sudden loss of pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with their's. If you are travelling with more than one, pick your favourite."

*From the pilot, "Qantas Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

*Overhead on a Qantas flight into Perth on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

*Another comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."

*After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying Qantas please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the doors and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

*An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline has a policy which requires the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exit, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady with a walking stick. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

*"Weather at our destination is 40 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas."

*"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle ashore and take them with our compliments."

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the G-8. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortages in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure!!

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant…

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant…

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant…

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant…

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant…

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant…

And in the U.S.A …They didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant!!

What's green in the middle and white round the outside?
A FROG SANDWICH!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Why did the Chicken cross the road? Well, the answer depends on who you ask...

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information:
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George

HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of road.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question

GRANDDAD:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

TRICIA:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON:
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n !!!

NEWSFLASH!!!

American forces have stormed an Iraqi school and arrested Ahmed Al Bazaar, a local teacher. Apparently he was in possession of a set square, ruler, protractor and pencil - weapons of maths instruction.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing a ticket, she noticedseveral machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

The officer wanted to be sure, "Please step out of the carand show me," she asked.

So he pulled out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finallyseven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing theofficer. Pretty soon another car passed by.

The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I'm glad I don't drink and drive! Look at the tests they're giving now."

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root.

At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, "Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian."

And at that instant... the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, "Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!"

Read each of the following lines out loud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

Feel embarrassed? :-)